Never Ending Healing

The other day I was with a girlfriend and found myself repeating the same sentence i’ve been saying for years: “I just healed another big piece of my story”.

I am very welcoming of repetition as part of our healing journey. After all, we need to go back and de-construct and digest different angles of the same thing. This means you are going to be hearing yourself say similar sentences, go over similar beliefs and cross over similar feelings. But on this day, I didn’t reward myself with compassion & understanding of this process. Instead, I rolled my eyes at myself. I had this sudden fear that everyone in my life was probably so tired of hearing me talk of this healing journey. Or maybe, I was just reflecting how tired I was with it.

Upon re-examining this- I had to see it through the lens of Grace, and in doing so, understood another deep aspect of this awakening. That is: The framework is what is the same, the content is what is ever changing.

To break this down- the repetition lies in the framework. The framework in my process looks like crying almost every day (tears of joy or sadness). Having a big theme come up every week or month. Having every aspect of my external life reflect this theme back to me until I go in and do some healing work on it. Then, once I go “in” it looks like finding out a piece of my story or suffering I had no idea about. Healing this quietly or extremely loudly, and then spending some days or weeks processing that experience. I then get to add that puzzle piece to the masterpiece of my work.

When you peer at this framework from the outside, it could look like one big never ending self improvement project, fueled by an obsession to ‘heal thyself’. In some cases, a lot of relentless healing can be a masquerade for self -hate. In fact, there was a study where people’s illnesses or issues were separated by those who could possibly be cured (improved) vs. those that were incurable. The majority of the ones that behaved like they had a shot at changing their situation, suffered more in the relentless pursuit to change their predicament. The ones who accepted there wasn’t anything they could do-were found to have a higher percentage of peace and acceptance. The tricky thing about going through a kundalini awakening is that healing really isn’t a choice. It isn’t a project I ever had in mind for myself. If it were up to me, I would have probably had a little therapy in my 40’s and 50’s. Found that there was too much mess to deal with, and tried my best to get on with it as I was.

This awakening journey is to bring all of the unconscious to conscious light. This means that whether you are content with where you are and your quirks, pains and behaviors, you are going to be revolutionized from within whether you signed up for it or not.

This idea that this process is unfolding within me, day by day, and is so divinely ordered, still blows my mind. I don’t control that my body is in a constant pursuit of integration with all my fragmented parts desiring to be un-stuck from a past experience, and emerging one by one.

Back to framework vs. content. This is my framework- and I don’t truly know what divine purpose is calling the shots, or driving the train. All I know is that I am on it, and I have spent the last 5 years trying to adapt to an entirely new way of living my life. Because the framework is the same, it can feel like an eternal groundhog day. When I see my life in this up close way, it feels like a loop. It feels like i’ve been in therapy for 20 years. Then I bring out my journals, I take stock, I zoom out and take a birds eye view. I realize i’ve only been in therapy for 2 years of my entire life. I realize that in each session i’ve ever had, the content was never the same exact thing twice.

This is what I mean by the content always changing. Every time I go deep sea diving into my own psyche, I find a new piece. It may have similar colors or textures to the ones i’ve previously found. Hell, it may even look almost identical to another piece, but upon close examination it is always different. Healing feels eternal when you think you’re going over the same material constantly. Not one bodywork session has ever been the same twice. The pieces i’m finding are constantly different and constantly familiar. Familiar, because there are only so many events in the life of a 31 year old (even though it seems I keep finding new ones weekly), there are only so many characters, only so many feelings within the spectrum of human consciousness. They are different because even within one event, there can be tons of layers of different aspects of that experience you need to process. Having this realization put me at ease.

There is no repetition on the healing journey. But it will feel like a non stop re-run of a show you might be getting sick of. That’s the irony. You think you are running in circles when the entire time you’ve been advancing up a spiral staircase. This staircase loops around, circles back. But each step is from a higher vantage point than the last, always advancing, always moving upwards. and always seeing things from that different perspective.

I think of young mothers whose days feel never ending and always the same. Yet the entire time, right before their eyes, the baby is growing, developing and changing. What our minds compute is ‘this is the same’. A healing journey can be similar. You can overlook internal shifts, and pain that has healed in the same way you can overlook the growth of a child. You won’t notice that your body no longer gets triggered with the same stimuli it did a few years ago. You won’t notice that your nervous system has 10x more room within it to breathe and relax and feel spacious than ever before. You won’t notice that your potential and creativity is blooming and beginning to emerge.

So if you’re in any way like me, and feel like you might be telling people in different ways, every week ‘I had a big break through’- thank your lucky stars you are. It’s okay that it’s overwhelming. Because too much of something good is still too much. But it’s still a good thing. And you know what? Some paths won’t make sense to the world just as they won’t make sense to you a lot of the time. But trust that everything is emerging because you were made for more. You were made for more than the broken parts of your past. Those broken parts all were divinely orchestrated for you to be your own savior. And if you are rescuing yourself on a weekly basis, I want to hear ALL about it. I want to hear about each tiny sea shell you pick up. I will honor my repetition. And I will sure as hell honor yours.

Lau xx