My Life Review- Living in Darkness

The past few days, I frantically pulled out my memory boxes. I’ve been reluctant to look at my past for a long time now. There was a lot of unconsciousness & a lot of similarities from my past self, that are too hard to face. That’s why when I suddenly felt like frantically looking through my journals, I knew something was up. There was a certain pull, coming from somewhere else. This pull was strong enough to override all my resistance.

What began this desire to look at all 30 years of my life began with intense dreams this week. I would wake up in the middle of the night and just start re-living all of the different facets of my life. From Vermont, Canary Islands, Ireland, Malibu, Los Angeles.

When I woke up the next day, I spent 5 hours reading through all of my 20’s. Reading through every page with tears streaming down my face. I was shocked by how much I had lost. My innocence, my desire to surround myself constantly with people, lovers, friends.I saw the things that stayed. Like my negative mental patterns and worry. My desire to help & self-develop. I saw how much of those 8 years were actually filled with intense unconscious suffering. The suffering of a girl living with tremendous trauma and not even knowing it. There is a sweet sadness when you start finding out, almost as if you felt like you could have gotten away with it. I saw so many unprocessed incidents of hurt that were a constant. How much of my life I felt I lost with my awakening. To wake up at 25 meant that I didn’t live out the rest of my 20’s. How much I missed those years. I sat and cried for hours. I have been a nostalgic person since I can remember, but this was next level nostalgia.

I grieved the first time I fell madly in love and felt like things were good in the world at 22. I grieved being 24 and on medication and travelling the coast of California without a care in the world. I grieved being 25 and beginning to feel the first big shift in me and feeling incredibly inspired and creative.

And then I can see that from that point on there has been a film of darkness in my life.

Not a darkness caused by my choices, but a darkness that was cast upon me in order to evolve. For all these years I believed I had come above water, and was teaching and serving and able to articulate what had happened. But I know now, that all I had done, was get comfortable and knowledgeable about the darkness I was in, not out of it. I don’t think this is a darkness that you can get out of on your own. It’s more of those kinds of submersions you have to take into the psyche, that can last for years, and are the only way through the hero’s journey. This is the harsh reality of transformation that many do not want to face. It is a price I’ve had to pay for my soul’s evolution.

The tricky part of this life review, is that I’m more whole, and true to myself and fulfilled in my life than I ever have been. However, there were moments of true break through light in my past, that I have not tasted in over 5 years. Knowing that I was healing and getting better, blinded me from the truth that I had secretly suspected all these years. That I had not arrived into my own personal heaven yet. I was still very much in the cave, underground but making it into a really beautiful home to live in. You give up the light in a Kundalini awakening, in order to venture into the shadow. You can change your life, have all of the resources, have all of the friends and tribes, and divine relationships. But if you are working through your trauma, and that’s not something you really have control over in an awakening, then you will subtly live in a matrix of that trauma. Until the past one day, let’s you go. Until you’ve moved through the necessary dimensions. Until it’s time.

This isn’t a bad thing. Who said the darkness was bad? I’ve built a life here, and have helped many. I know what is to come, the light that is building to occupy the place where darkness was, is blinding. A heart full of compassion and cleansed by grief, is a heart that can shine brighter than the sun.

This is not to discourage those going through an awakening. There is nothing wrong with spending years working through this material- especially when you aren’t asking for it. When you wake up and there is intense emotional pain that you have to sit with on a daily basis- that’s all you can do- is to sit with it. To change your thoughts or try and be positive is to deny what is happening in your body. To deny the authentic expression of what showed up in your heart.

It’s also a hopeful message. One that came to me in the form of a download just yesterday morning. I grieved these years in darkness so profoundly. Light shed through the window and illuminated my body as I simultaneously felt myself moving through these dimensional layers into a heavenly realm. Something showed me that I was meant to be exactly where I was, and that the reason I was grieving those memories, were because those were the memories where I had felt the true light. I wasn’t grieivng my youth, my freedom, my old terrible patterns, my old friends. While that was mixed in there, the real thing I was missing was light. Something showed me that the light was around the corner. The corner can take years. That’s okay. I know what’s on the other side, and I have no shame for being a bottom dweller. But my soul knowing the truth of where I currently was, was almost a relief. There is relief in truth. Relief AND grief.

There can be so much sadness, so much suffering if a soul choose’s a life of intense accelerated evolution. My heart goes out to those souls, that have taken on that mission. IT has made me want to quit, many, many times. I look around at other people’s lives and I wonder why they don’t cry every day. Why their hearts don’t feel it ALL. The collective and personal pain in our bodies.

I think to myself that I’d rather trade in the wisdom i’m accumulating, for another day where I hit the road and didn’t know where I was going, full of life and passion and repressed fear. Where I thought my life was going to be full of external adventures and spontaneity instead of an immense inner journey. I’d trade this crown of thorns, for I no longer want the title of “queen of the underworld”. But then I stop myself, reassess and know that there was no other way this could have played out. This was always the universal plan. You cannot get this wrong.

This was always in the cards. And so I continue to decorate this cave. Now knowing I’m underground. I have a huge telescope that lets me see what’s happening above, and so I use that to gather the bones and create more material and healing. I rejoice in the day I get to dig a way above ground.