What's Helped Me Heal The Most? A Higher power

Healing is an incredibly difficult journey. It’s like we are all made up of a unique puzzle that is incredibly complex. Our events, awakenings, thoughts, emotions all reveal pieces of this puzzle for us to become aware of. Throughout the years I’ve tried many things to help with this unfoldment, some more helpful than others. Things like talk therapy, leaning on the ones I love, journalling, meditating, emdr, bodywork, parts work, CBT, TRE, yoga, group therapy. You name it, I’ve tried it. But how does a mind know what to use and when? How do you know what modality is going to help heal you? What if it isn’t one modality that is healing but rather something far above it all?

Throughout my journey I had to develop a part of myself that learned to manage my inner experiences. The awakening felt so out of control I had to find an organization. I had to have something in my brain that was managing the emotional contents that were showing up daily. I was basically doing it alone. I became the one completely responsible and burdened with the task of managing this healing journey. If I didn’t manage it, I wouldn’t have been as functional and as integrated as I am now. Kudos to these managers who can drive the awakening ship. The trauma of awakening consciousness can be destabilizing to the system. And yet I adapted. What I didn’t admit to myself was how exhausting it is to do it all alone. Our poor bodies and brains are amazing at adapting to such a huge shift in consciousness and awareness. But it is too much to ask of one mere human to not only navigate it but to also figure out the puzzle that is trying to unfold. To know how to help and heal our psyches and bodies. We all have complexities and no matter how much this inner manager tried, it could not figure it out. So over the past couple years, with my recent unfoldments, I now ask myself:

What has truly helped heal me the most? What has been that one thing.

The answer is The divine.

I always believed in God, the powerful potent energy that is made up of all things. You may want to call it the Divine, Source energy, I AM, Spirit. I knew my synchronicities, my awakening, my kundalini journey and everything had such insanely perfect timing. I knew things were protecting me. I knew I was being helped constantly. I knew that I wasn’t driving this. But the truth is I never truly believed I could rely on it. I thought it was some distant institution that was far away and possibly doing it’s job right, kind of like the IRS. It was neutral and cold and far away. I never had an intimate relationship with it.

When I first became aware of the belief that the divine did not have my back, the first feeling that arose within me was anger. I felt completely abandoned. I felt like I hated how everyone spoke of god as if they truly felt it. I didn’t feel held or seen or loved. I just felt like it was all unfolding on time but there wasn’t anything personal or tangible that I could point at.

When I sat down for my first prayer I just got pissed. I deeply expressed all the things I had projected onto the universe. I noticed a lot of these feelings were parental projections. I realized the divine had just been turned into a cold distant parent that took care of my needs but wasn’t there for me emotionally. I moved through those layers so I could step out of this projection and possibly begin to cultivate something deeper. I noticed I was purposefully staying away from the divine because our ego’s impose our views of authority onto it. As I made this conscious, it began to break free of this projection and I realized the Divine had nothing to do with authority. It had no sense of judgement. No desire to punish. It was endlessly and unconditionally loving. It was tuned in. It was waiting for me to rest my shoulder on it. It was wondering how long I was going to keep trying to move through this on my own.

Once I started getting curious and testing it out, I began to pray or ask for help and I would genuinely see results. Just like that, I would forget I had access to this continuous support and god-miracle-hotline and go back to tackling problems on my own. I would still be led to the right people, the right sessions, the right books just when I needed them, but there is always an added pressure when you think you have to do it all yourself. You tend to ruminate more. Your inner manager has to work overtime. You are more protected and worried. After a while of switching back to my old ways I would suddenly receive the thought “you can actually give this problem to the divine Laura, you don’t have to figure this out on your own”. Anytime I would do this, it felt like tons of weight would evaporate off of my shoulders. Sure enough, the problem would get resolved or I could count on whatever was coming next to give me the next piece of the puzzle.

I keep yo-yoing in this relationship because it’s something I am constantly trying to build trust with. I have enough moments under my belt in which the divine has delivered. Every. Single. Time. I can begin to breathe deeper and surrender into the idea that the divine actually loves me. It has a photo of me on it’s metaphorical dresser. I believe it’s personal. I believe It’s intimate. I believe I am moving through problems over and over again until that moment where I remember I can just give it to source and that’s when I see change.

When all else fails you. When you don’t know what else to do to heal that thing that never heals. My invitation is to imagine serving it up on a big silver platter for something greater to take it. You don’t have to carry it anymore or spend hundreds of days thinking about solutions, like me. You can believe that when you jump into what looks like an empty swimming pool, you will be met with abundant water. You will dive in and be held by it over and over. It might not have instantaneous gratification or the timing that we would want, but it is always what we need. Always what we need to become the greatest version of ourselves. We are always moving through the exact right amount of heat and pressure to be forged into what we were always meant to be.

There are millions of roads to healing and I will speak to all of them proudly. I rest assured knowing that I don’t have to figure out which tool and in which context and at what time. I just give it all away and ask for help and surrender to the fact that all will be well. Everything is here to help me. It is all taken care of. I let the right experience of healing come to me and I no longer have to be the one that relentlessly manages the whole damn show. My inner manager can take breaks. It has had to go through so much after the awakening. It had to become the captain of this ship. And it’s exhausted. It is a constant practice to remember to let go of the wheel, but each time I do it, it guides me right back to truth. It drops the next puzzle piece in my lap. And then I go through the whole cycle of forgetting again.